Almost 70 , letting go of anxiety over cameras ?

[dee]

OK , I have recognised glitches [ disassociation and dee'realisation ] which means that cameras , both film and digital seem to cut through the haze and out of phase 'lostness'.

With the Fiji X-Pro 1 17mm and Pentax K-1S 35mm , I no longer look at camera shelves as if something is missing or ..incomplete ?
Together , they form a slightly overlarge point and shoot with room to play [ X-Pro1 ] and a compact DSLR with bright finder , clear screen , 35mm f2.8 lens and excellent IQ

A while ago , I recycled Dinky Toys via e-bay into film cameras as they became affordable post digital .
However , Dinky Toys have no use , no purpose , although cars were , and are , kinda substitute faces / people as I am constantly confused/dee's orientated by guy/girl/me etc .
This is not a good idea , believe me .

Cameras DO have a purpose - photography - but I am often not doing ' photography ' , so there has been dee's comfort / anxiety about this .

The glitches relate to everything , of example , I have realised that my mind can't take in an entire 'car' , so those 50s toy cars in my hand, gave me a sense of complete 'car '.

Even cameras , small though they are, are distant , I see each detail/snapshot which kinda gets stitched together like a board with polaroids all over it .
Observing , to me , it's as if real people CAN merge the snapshots together to make a continuous film - i have noticed that most filter the details somehow .
I assume that It's a form of mind blindness - input is conventional , but the processing falls down , however , holding a camera FEELING the controls is OK. It's easier to learn by holding than seeing , so I can get quite attached when a camera becomes almost automatic - for taking snapshots of course !

Cameras take up a heck of a lot more space but each still evokes that sense of well being , familiarity , continuity and safety, but I don't use them as pre-paid colour slide film is no longer available - my final film outings being with a fantastic new to me , Kiev 4 . I loved it as much as my Minolta SRTs , which is saying a lot as I don't do change easily !! My favourites are the Contax Kiev hybrids created for me by ex-Asenal techs in Ukraine .
I love the history and continuity of a Contax III camera created in 1937 with a late 1957 Kiev 4 selenium meter and controls [ selenium was magic somehow ] right up to the 1980 .Amazing , awesome .

Taking pictures has ever been an escape , framing and focusing a confusing world , but , for the most part , the final results have been less important than hiding behind the camera , with others allowing me to be apart , not joining in .
I am also stuck around the 60s as my hard drive seems stuck - unable to dee'lete old files and add new . Weird !!

I am hitting 70 now , in a few years , non of this will matter , so I have to let go of the guilt of not being a proper 'photographer' [ or person for that matter ].
Sometimes a photograph just jumps out at me , which is great , but mostly , both my digital cameras linked to times , places , and grand daughters help fragmented memory .
It's odd , the problems that older people experience are generally more of the same for me , which is neat.
Each digital , from my Canon G2 , through the Leica Digilux 3 / M8 to the Sony A290/A35 stage form a moment in time for me , which is priceless as I don't sense continuity - rubbish at history

No more internal anxiety , no more not being good enough - I was brilliant at one element - creating Interiors with visual and explains to clients and colleagues in Interior Design of Hotels and offices . Then confidence would chase away the shadows until ...

My cameras and snap shooting don't keep me sane , but the camera in my bag , the several in the car create a kind of enveloping comfort zone just knowing that one is close to hand . Why ? Maybe lost child me associated slide shows with a kind of magic , and the shiny cameras and lenses with a magic of their own , it's a theory , but I am no longer chasing an answer .

Thanks .

dee

[camfiend]

Hi Dee... camera's do indeed have a purpose but I think we've all wondered at 'WHY' no one can possibly want so many obsolete cameras ... I used to be able at least to say I took these old film camera's out for exercise on a regular basis, but these days as the years pile on and health declines it's now a rare occurance to go shoot a roll of film
And why do I have all these other collections
At least it will ensure the kids dont easily forget me... they'll be too busy cursing me for the gear they have to get rid of

Bob...

[dee]

Update , if anyone is 'listening'.
Bit tough because my wife in enduring neck cancer , awaiting results of exhausting radiotherapy which seems to zap , hearing , vision , taste , and whatever else .
She still insists on doing everything - even worrying about my difficulties .

During 6 weeks of train plus bus from Waterloo to Chelsea , London became even more of a ghost town which , captured on a Fuji , seemed surreal .
When the therapy was over , we faced lockdown , with me even banned fro the supermarket , stuck in the car .

The Fuji syndrome has grown a bit , A cheap X-M1 acquired for the 16-50 zoom to use on the X-Pro . IN fact the screen only X-M1 proved ideal at bus shots as the EVF was useless .
an SLR styled X-T1 followed - at 1/3rd of the original price of course .
Lately I was gifted with an X-T100 with lightweight 15-50 zoom in similar SLR styling ,but in gem like Champagne .

The intention was NOT to collect , but I really did cry out for an SLR styled digital , however , they all near me at home and are a genuine comfort , as are my Kontaxes and SRTs .
Even the Sony A290 waits by the window chasing clouds and changes to trees in the valley . I love that CCD sensor .

I have come across my 1st 35mm camera , Adox Golf 1a - simple oblong box from 1963 - which my daughter will obtain for me .
Keep safe .
dee